Verbal Abuse in Marriages – Relationships
"THE TONGUE HAS NO BONES BUT IT CAN HIT HARDER THAN A FIST"
My passion is to empower people and lead them to a happier and more fulfilling life. That is the foundation of my ‘Intuitive Psychic Readings’.
I have been conducting these readings for many years now and during the course of such readings I have encountered or met many married couples or singles who have suffered ‘Verbal Abuse’ in their lives.
I meet married couples who have either reached to an unsustainable marriage or a marriage that is on its path to self-destruction. Either way it is heart breaking as they fail to recognize or address this issue and remain non vocal about ‘Verbal Abuse’.
There are innumerable reasons why marriages fail. There are many reasons why relationships fail. But the invisible (stealthily treacherous or deceitful) reason if you ask me – the one that I have closely observed and experienced is ‘verbal abuse’ – the one of the common type of abuse that leads to a broken relationships-marriages. People actually slowly self destruct – unknowingly.
Verbal abuse is difficult to identify and is regrettably the most evident in its invisible form. Not all words that are meant to hurt are “ugly – derogatory words.” But verbal abuse does damage your self – esteem and could leave someone totally depressed.
Verbal abuse is offensive language and behaviors designed to humiliate and gain power over another person.
Verbal abuse does not only assault us through spoken words. We read the body language before we learn to speak, and our minds interpret body language onto words that we internally hear, loud and clear.
Our minds are powerful interpreters of body language, and the slightest movement can convey a threat or secret message to an abuser’s intended victim. It’s not important what bystanders hear, it’s how the victim interprets the words and actions conveyed by their abuser that matter.
The one who is a master at it appears to care deeply for you but in the process tends to damage your self-respect or self-esteem.
The use of words to punish is a very common attempt to control and regardless of how loving or caring your spouse may appear to be, verbal abuse is wrong and can be just has harmful as physical abuse.
So what are the common signs of verbal abuse:
- Calling names: Being called names by your spouse. Any negative form of name calling is unacceptable. If you feel that it is a put down, then it most likely is. There are names that are obvious and, without question abusive. Then there are the covert, veiled attempts to put a spouse down that are harder to identify. Verbal abusers love to use constructive criticism to beat a spouse down. If your spouse is constantly criticizing you, “for your own good,” be careful. This is the most insidious form of verbal abuse.
- Shame & Ridicule: Using words to shame and ridicule. Critical, sarcastic, mocking words meant to put you down either alone or in front of other people.
- Shouting: Yelling, swearing and screaming. I call this the “walking on eggs shells” syndrome because you are living with someone who goes verbally ballistic for very little cause.
- Threatening: Using threats to intimidate. No threat should be taken likely, even if your spouse tells you they are only joking, especially if it causes you to change behaviors or to feel on guard in the relationship.
- Blame Games: Blaming the victim. Your spouse blows his/her top and then blames you for their actions and behavior. If you were only perfect they wouldn’t lose control!
- Isolated: Your feelings are completely ignored or dismissed. Your spouse refuses to discuss issues that upset you or make you uncomfortable. A complete disregard for your feelings. They avoid discussion of any topic where they might have to take responsibility for their actions or words.
- Feeling sorry: You often wonder why you feel so bad. You bury your feelings, walk on egg shells and work so hard at keeping the peace that every day becomes an emotional chore. You feel depressed and have even wondered if you are crazy.
- Manipulation: Manipulating your actions. The persistent and intense use of threatening words to get you to do something or act in a way you find uncomfortable. This form of verbal abuse is common at the end of a marriage. If your spouse doesn’t want a divorce they will say whatever it takes to play on your emotions, to get you to stay in the marriage. All in an attempt to get you to comply with their desires, regardless of what is best for you as an individual.
Let us now understand the few methods to respond to Verbal Abuse:
If your spouse, the person you are closest to habitually, verbally abuses you and disregards your feelings, you will begin to see yourself and your needs as unimportant, of little consequence and irrelevant. When you finally recognize and come to terms with the idea that you are being verbally abused you need to also become focused on getting help. Here are some important steps you can take if faced with verbal abuse:
- Abuse is never justified so, you should never feel that it is your fault.
- Let the abuser know how hurtful their words are and discuss with them the fact that it is unacceptable to you. Set boundaries on what you will and will not accept from your abuser.
- Seek counseling, either together or separately.
- Surround yourself with a support system of family and friends. Discuss with them what is happening and how you are feeling.
- If the verbal abuse escalates to physical abuse, leave. Your personal safety is far more important than the relationship.
- Do not engage in conflict with your abuser. If your spouse becomes angry stay calm, walk away and don’t give him/her what they want…a reaction from you.
- Take back your power. If you react to the abuser, you are rewarding them. Letting them know they have power over your emotions. Don’t allow the abuser to have control over how you feel.
- Leave the marriage. If setting boundaries, getting therapy and refusing to respond to the abuse doesn’t work, then it is time to consider divorce. There are times when the best thing you can do for yourself is, break all ties with your abuser. If you make this decision hire an attorney familiar with domestic violence, stay in close contact with your support system and focusing on learning good coping skills.
Physical abuse is easily identified. There is no doubt, once you have been hit, that you have been physically abused. You don’t second guess yourself because the bruises and scars are visible evidence that abuse has taken place. Verbal abuse is different. The damage is internal, there are no physical bruises or scars, just a wounded spirit and sense of self-esteem.
I do advocate freedom but not at the cost of marriage. I do not recommend divorce and I sincerely want marriages as institutions to work but I have seen and experienced cases where divorce is inevitable. Verbal Abuse is sometimes the sole weapon of destruction.
As a counselor, psychic or empath I always pray, guide and motivate people to lead a peaceful and harmonious life. I help them make proper decisions and make them work on their relationships. That is what I trust and believe in.
But I do feel the urgent need – its imperative for people to awaken, recognize, self-actualize, raise voice and address this silent killer of relationships – ‘Verbal Abuse’.
STOP ‘VERBAL ABUSE’
With grace and peace,
Dr. Vickram Aadityaa